Surviving Grief

   Grief has no time limit or timeline which is hard to overcome.

       “The stages of grief were never meant to be tucked away from messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is no typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grief is as individual as our lives.”  - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross 

  The reason I chose this quote is because I relate to these words the most because those who have never lost a child don't understand the full extent of the grieving process. Therefore, my emotions are everywhere from grieving my sweet daughter's death. 

  During the day I would be filled with sadness to obsessive thoughts about her loss and what happened to my family. Her loss isn’t something that simple or should be tossed into a box in the basement for no return, these are my responses to the loss and traumatic responses of what happened before and after her death. In the end my responses to this loss is more individual like my life has been. 

  When losses are traumatic they become difficult to discuss about it even disclose to another, the psychological and physical burdens painful memories but although, without sharing information can be destructive in the end for those grieving over a traumatic loss. 

  For example, my loss of my daughter Paige was most definitely traumatizing because she got a hold of my prescription medication and ingested 12 capsules which is 1,200 Milligrams. She was able to open a childproof bottle that we later found out to be the default bottle. Paige took the bottle she found on the floor in front of me and walked in her bedroom while I was arguing with my dad over the phone about me needing to take pills for something I was diagnosed with. I was not paying attention even though the bottle was in front of me on the floor. I was not focusing on the safety of my child. I went to go check on her because she was quiet for a few minutes which was unusual because she always talks or makes noises, so I got up and walked into her room and saw her holding in one hand the cap of the bottle and the empty container in the other hand walking towards me as nothing happened. I took the bottle from her and immediately started searching for the pills in her room and there was nowhere to be found. 

  Paige’s grandma arrived and realized after changing her diaper one pill capsule was found in her diaper so we immediately get her into her car seat to drive her to the hospital I called 911, Paige dad was driving us there and grandma was in the back seat with Paige when she started seizing in her car seat, foaming from the mouth, limp and eyes rolling in the back of her head we drove to the nearest fire department because we had no time she was dying in the backseat. Paige was then transported to the hospital in our town where they gave her charcoal and was hooked up to cords everywhere that night she was airlifted to UC Davis Hospital floor 10, May 13, 2019 and later died in my arms June 3 , 2019 at 12:00 am. 

  “A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.” - Albert Einstein 

   Lastly I chose this quote because, in the last paragraph I talked on how I made the decision to text my dad then go play with my daughter which ended up with me now paying attention to her safety when the bottle was thrown on the floor. I should’ve played with Paige in the first place or picked up the bottle before she returned but I didn’t know or didn’t see it. This mistake was new to me and I will never understand why a mistake made me lose her but I know now that making a mistake like that will have a bad outcome and long term effects. 

  Grief is a part of surviving all these traumatic experiences we just had before and after our loved one died. Between masking a mistake to dealing and feeling the resulting pain, to understand things more clearly, having to take things more for granted. 

  In conclusion, The weird thing about devastating losses is that life actually keeps going when faced with a tragedy, a huge loss you have no idea how you can live through it. Seconds and days go passed and you're stuck while everyone keeps moving. There is no time limit or timeline for loss.